A FEW NOTORIOUS PROJECTS
FROM INITIAL DIRECTIVE , to..."CREATIVE STRATEGY"
CLIENT: We have footage an influencer shot with our product, We wanna use it for a campaign promo we want you to create.
ME: Great! How am I getting the camera files?
CLIENT: I'll text them to you.
ME: Text?
CLIENT: That's all he sent us
ME: Um...Hold my beer
Ya don't need no stinkin' Cinema Camera!
CLIENT: We bought several containers at auction with life-sized mannequins from China. We have a great idea of how to sell them at a profit.
ME: how big? Like for a department store?
CLIENT: Yes,, except these are lightweight, so you can lug them around like a doll, and are anatomically accurate! They look like supermodels!
ME: So what do you want from me?
CLIENT: We want you to make up a commercial so we can sell them to people who want to date models. Or the next best thing.
ME: for starters, I'll need one of those to research along with a bottle of Jameson's and a tub of automotive grease
When your talent is a "supermodel" off wishcom
ME: (TO TEAM) Our CEO wants us to pitch our MSO's a channel that screams "We have so much content you won't know what to watch"
TEAM: Cool,, what will make this one different than our other channels?
ME: Not sure- he kept pointing at his 200 sq/ft wall in his office that's covered in flat screens. So I guess we're going for "a sports bar for people with ADD", except it's a XXX three-ring circus
TEAM: SILENCE
ME: How about we mockup an insane PIP/ times square style recreation on a 16x9 screen. Like a jumbotron on speed. He'll soon realize how absurd it is and call off the idea. It doesn't have to be functional or even remotely doable
CEO (a month later): Listen up! Great Job! I sold the channel! You have 60 days til we go on the air with 30 titles
TEAM: Umm...
HOW BARNUM BAILEY GOT FAMOUS..
CLIENT: We need to rebrand. The XXX Stigma is not good for business in conservative markets
US: But..that's what your programming is,, It's people having sex in movies.
CLIENT: " couples friendly consensual inclusive Erotica" is a much more acceptable term with the woke crowd. How do we get on that bandwagon
US: Well..for starters we gotta make it look like classy hanky panky to call it Erotica
..so we're gonna need a promo featuring:
-A British Female voiceover...coz y'know anything in that accent is kinda classy.
-Put some shots of couples making out in fancy places like those Airbnb's on Instagram
-Candles..lots of candles and big bathtubs..like a romantic hourly Motel
-People in Soft sweaters and pretty Lingerie..hopefully with the tags still on. So they can be returned afterward coz that stuff is expensive.
-Silky blindfolds, Strawberries and dessert, accompanied by a bubble bath.
CLIENT: Perfect..lets send out some promos with that Artsy erotic stuff, then once the contracts are signed, transfer all the content from "blowbang sluts" to the new Programming schedule